5: am- Vegan nut bar. Hot tea.

Break at work. Parfait. Salad.

:0

every day just proves to be another lesson.
I have my good days-and my bad.
every day leaves me with a reason to smile-and a reason to cry.
Life would be boring if it was perfect. No goals to work towards, and nothing to look forward to. If i never went away to school, i would never appreciate where i come from, and the people i love the way i do now. I learned to not take those things that seem little, (but are ever so significant) for granted. Life is a bundle of lessons and obstacles we must fight to get through, and when we do well-we are subtly rewarded for our successes. Life proves to be a journey. I am so happy. I am so lucky. Just because i left berklee doesn't mean my talent will fade. I was still born with a gift. I feel alright now. I don't feel out of place. I finally feel myself again. My skin fits me again. That feeling is one i cannot explain in a blog.

I love Saturdays. First day of the weekend, and if i wasn't so tired all the time-i would've liked to go out last night, but i went shopping and spent time with my friends-before an early bed time. Today i got breakfast with Jake and Morgan who i haven't seen in a while-so it was nice. I went for a nice tan, and then watched "Monster". Tonight will probably be an early night since i woke up on my own at 7:30! erghhh....

I think i might make some hemp bracelets today. I'm going to see Ariane in jail tomorrow. It's gonna be hard for me. I don't know who to believe and what to believe anymore since people always cease to amaze me with their lies. It is what it is though. I can't say how the visit will go, but i am looking forward to it. If she needs help-i am here.

It's only 2 0 clock. This is so good! haha.
toodles !!!

What is it exactly that makes us so quizzical and judgmental of religion. When i say that i will keep someone in my prayers, or thank god, i get these looks of complete ignorance. Now let's be honest here- i am not a perfectly structured christian. I use the lords name in vein frequently, and i have a trucker's mouth (which i want to work on). I make jokes that are unappropriate and hey, i'm not perfect in any way. I am NOT extremely religious. I haven't been to church in years-i spend easter eating candy rather than at church, and christmas opening gifts-not singing happy birthday to baby J. But-i have faith, and lots of it. The night before i got into Berklee-i prayed so hard with tears streaming down my face. I have asked God for help multiple times in life- and in the right situations he has helped me-or so i believe. What's wrong in believing in something? I am a firm believer in everything happening for a reason, and fate having a distinct design. No, i cannot explain 9/11- sudden infant death- or the Tsunami hitting Japan. Maybe god had other plans for those brilliant people. maybe they died so someone else could live. maybe they were being punished for a crime they commited in another life. I believe in Karma but i don't believe God punishes by killing. Don't get me wrong- i hate religon freaks and i hate when people shove their beliefs down your throat like dinner when you're extremely full. But some people want to believe in something-and who are they hurting if they do. I keep my faith to myself. I have faith, and i am truly blessed and lucky. Maybe i was dealt a good hand in this life-or maybe i did something right and God has blessed me. Either way-this is how my life played out. & i have faith.
AMEN

i don't understand the change i see in these people i've known for so long. how does it occur? I know change is inevitable. I know this for i've watched it happen to myself for 18 years now. I come home to watch my friends slowly fading until they're almost gone completely. I learned today that one of my best friends since 7th grade, robbed a family and is in jail-with a shotgun and a knife pointed at someone. All because of drugs and money. It breaks my heart. How did i decide to take the right path, and end up so different. I love to work, and work hard. I car about everything i do and do everything with passion and effort. I have ambition. I can't wait to be back at school. I work hard at MCDONALDS. jesus, i care about things that are not incredibly important. Of course, i care about my friends and family so much, and would do anything for them and now i watch them wither away. I know im a good person. I care so much, and too much at times-if there is such a thing. I have talent, and a love for my talent and what i do. I wanna learn, i wanna reach for the sky. I wanna be perfect at times. I overwork, and make a good reputation for myself. I have great friends. I'm human. I cry, and i bleed, i scream, i get sad, i get cocky, i get lonely, and depressed. I wonder about myself sometimes. I get overwhelmed, i get overly happy, optomistic-pessimistic. I'm an everchanging bundle of colors, changing shades with the days. I AM HUMAN. i'm not perfect, and im not putting these people down. But god, why? I watch some of the best people i knew in high school, that i spent the best days of my life with, falling into these hole they cant get out of. i wish god would grab hold of them, before something bad does. I give people so many chances because i believe in redemption. Why does no one help me believe a little harder, by redeeming themselves? Everytime i give them a chance, they just prove themselves to be just who they were before. That being said, i've watched a lot of people change for the better-including myself ;) haha.
I've met a lot of great people this past year-and some not so great... I've watched myself change in so many ways. I've grown up, improved my music and singing. I've become smarter, and more reliable and hardworking. i take things more seriously.
i also have become a little more aggressive-but i stand up for myself. I've withdrawn from school-but i will be attending school in the fall. maybe i didnt follow through-but everything happens for a reason-and im smart enough to do whatever i want in this world. i wont settle for a career. ill be happy-and do what makes me happy, whether i make a career out of being a musician or not. ill never stop.

you're so shady, i can see your shadow,
your so sketchy, you're the roughest draft.
You're so yesterday, i have forgotten,
all the memories that we have had.
You're so full of it, you're overflowing,
all the lies spewing out your filthy mouth.
You're so unsure of just where you're going,
but you play it off like you've got it figured out.

i am stupid for being the one who always trusted you,
i believed in you when no one else would.
I've seen your darkest days, i've been blinded by your true colors,
i thought underneath it all i'd recover something good.
but you never had be fooled, just faithful,
you never had me fooled, just faithful.

You're so proud of the way you're lying.
but unfortunately it's not your forte.
You're so sure of the time your spending,
but unaware that it's too late


you can't change the past change the past,
as i hand chances out on a plate,
serving them one by one,
seeing if theres on that you'll take,
and you take them all and take them all
and now it's been just too much time,
and you take them all take them all,
but i am running bone dry

Today is Saturday.In case you were wondering-i'm not writing out Rebecca Black lyrics, though it feels that way right? It's my day off and i just had so many realizations today. I woke up, ate a yogurt, and cleaned up a bit. Then, i watched 500 Days Of Summer. I balled through the entire thing. I love that movie so much. I think it's because it's more realistic than most movies. In the end of a love movie, you always figure that they're gonna just be together forever right? WHEN DOES THAT EVER HAPPEN? I mean, i remember being head over heels for boys in high school, and even before that. And when i felt that way, i truly didn't believe that i could ever feel that way about anyone else. Too bad i had that feeling for about 3 2 otther guys since then. Life goes on, even when your heart aches so terribly, and you think you'll never rise up form the pain. I've been through it all, countless times. I always thought "I'll always feel like this, it'll never go away" especially after months and months pass your eyes and you feel the same. It all makes you stronger, and "the first cut is the deepest". It's very true. That aside, i want to be in love. I just want to rest my head on someones shoulder, and give them a big hug. I just wanna hold someones hand, and feel wanted. I just wanna feel good enough. that's it. Why do i feel like i'll never get that chance? It's so hard for me to overcome that one.

I have been listening to country music all day. When we had the farm in Akron, we used to listen to country music all the time. i was pretty against it through middle and high school, but i've been listening to Brad Paisley and Tim McGraw all day, and it just takes me back to a time when my heart felt so free, and i was so open and happy. Young, and innocent, and i was just a joyful little thing. Life was so much less complicated. What's different about me now? Everything.

I'm gonna go take a little nap i think.
I'm so tired of reminiscing.

Hello,
I was very appreciative today. Well, i am everyday, but i've been trying to be more appreciative rather than ungrateful. As a human being, i am always wanting more than what i have, and i tend to overlook all the wonderful things i have been blessed with in the first place. I know it's not just me. We all get a little selfish (i'm beginning to see, some more than others) but i know i'm headed in the right direction in my life. I work so hard for all the things i have, and i appreciate them so much more. When i was at school i would often get so jealous of some of the people around me, and how their parents can easily fork over 800 dollars a month for them for an apartment, or pay 52 grand out of pocket for tuition, or just sign a little check. It would make me so frustrated when people would lend me like, one dollar for the vending machine, and be like "you owe me" or "I'm so poor". NO YOU ARENT? But it's okay. I'm not looking at it through the envious lens that i had before. When i was in Boston my mom would send me anywhere from 100-150 every couple weeks, and that was a difficult price as well. Now that i'm home i'm making all my own money, and when i buy a gift for someone, it feels so much better. When i get my five dollar footlong, it tastes so much better. I'm so independent, and i love making my own money and earning my own rewards. I always thought i was the kind of person that depended on others, but people have tended to kick dirt in my face my whole life, and people have let me down, and came and went, and it's just made me so strong.  I am perfectly happy doing things by myself. I'll eat by myself, or take a walk by myself. Some people need people to go with them everywhere. Sure, i get lonely, and bored. I love spending time with others, but i am fully capable of getting though things on my own. I think that's where i stand apart from other people i've met. I know people that have been through all sorts of different things. The only difference between them and me is that they think that no one could ever understand and that everyone's lives are nowhere near as bad as theirs were or are, and that no one could ever comprehend what a tortured soul they are. Then they use it as an excuse for everything and cry for attention. Everyone goes through terrible things, we just don't all speak about them all the time like that. I don't tell the whole world all the pain ive been through my entire life, and use it as a hook, line and sinker for attention. It's all different flavors of immature. And you can't be a huge, selfish, psychotic bitch and expect everyone to take it easy and accept it because you've "been through shit". We've all been through phases and different things in our lives. It is life. Don't complain about how no one knows anything about you, when you tell it so vaguely just to get the attention in the first place.

Now that i let all that out...
I need to clean my room this weekend. It's such an atrocious mess because it's been neglected so bad while i've been away. I wish rooms would clean themselves when i'm not here! But, they don't. So, i'm going to unclutter my room this weekend, and maybe it'll unclutter my cluttered mind. There's so much going on in there right now. I'm booking gigs, thinking about work, the bahamas, unfinished business at school, and people that still just make me so angry, even though i don't talk to them anymore. It's hard for me to let some relationships go, because i have so much to say to them, but i know it's best not to, cause it's just fueling the psychotic fire that will obviously ignite if i put out any sort of honest criticism. tried that.
I know it's time to move on from those silly things. The people in my life that are important, will remain so, and remain constant. It's so funny, when i was at school, someone literally said to me "you will lose touch with your friends back home". i said "Im sure i will with some, but i know i have a few good friends that  will remain there" and they said "yeah you wanna think that but its not true trust me". I cant believe i let that bother me. I wish i could rewind time and say hey, fuck you. Just because you cant hold onto your friends doesn't mean mine are flakey. this is why i HATE know it alls, especially when they know nothing. its so frustrating. Guess what? i still have those people in my life. go figure.
stop telling me how my life willl play out, who will be in it, and who i am.

Only i know these things, and in some cases...only god.

Goodnight.

i know i already posted a blog today but there is just so much to say.
Man, today was a good ass, mothafuckin day.
I decided to put my insecurities aside, and stop letting them hold me down. for too long now i've had the idea i'm not good enough for anything, ever. All i ever wanted back was confidence, and i don't think i'll ever be perfectly happy with myself. I think even people who are super cocky, have insecurities. Flaws are inevitable, and i know this. But i won't let them get in the way of me living my life to my fullest. im gonna say what im gonna say and do what i need to do. I lived by that today. I smiled all day, and was as optomistic as i could allow. It worked wonders. Today was awesome, and i stopped letting dumb shit bother me. I'm gonna do this tomorrow. and the next day. and the next. etc.

time for bed. early shift tomorrow. again, erryday. i like day shift. im out by like 4 and its great! haha. my feet hurt, and i just watched shallow hal. i know im trying to not be insecure, but man, im so jealous of gwyneth peltrow. Just saying :)
anyway, sleepy time tea, and SNL will surely comotose me.

for some reason ive been making video updates and meaning to post them to youtube. but i never do. i think ive just been making them for me, so that i have a life outside of my mclife. i just wanna keep in mind, playing music....its my thang. yupyerp.
also, if you're ever feeling down...listen to looking up by paramore. especially if you aspire to be a performer.

"Honestly, can you believe we cross the world while its asleep. I'd never trade it in, cause i've always wanted this and it's not a dream anymore. it's worth fighting for"

sometimes i listen to that on the tredmill. it gets em going.

OH and i lost 4  more lbs. hollllla!

you disgust me.
i dont feel guilty.
no one feels bad for you.
stop feeling bad for yourself.
because i honestly. do. not. care.

im sick of listening to your little pity party you throw for yourself everyday. im sick of watching you scream out in desperation for attention.
when will people grow up? im so glad i have the few, real, genuine people in my life. honestly. i dont need those other people. im so glad i let them go, theyre not worth my time.

work is actually kinda fun these days. i really enjoy it, evem though sometimes it sucks. i have fun.
My best friend is coming over for dinner and then we're going for ice cream. woot. i really love being home. i know i already stressed that.

but all i had to do was let go of the harsh stuff, and be a little more otpomistic, and my life turned right around. thank god.
i need to stop being so damn nice. one good thing thats come out of it is im much more confrontational. you think im such a bad person? okkkkkk.......................right. because i dont let people walk all over me...ok


BYE <#333

what to say?
I'm living at home. my sweet, sweet home. I make breakfast for myself every morning. i brew my own pot of coffee. i have my own room, my own car, my own job, and my real friends that i love so very much :) I feel like i've made the right decision leaving berklee. I know most people won't understand why i did why i did, but that's okay, because it feels right in my heart. These past few weeks i've written some amazing songs. I'm never gonna forget all the amazing things i've learned and experienced at berklee, and i'll never let those things go. I have a very eventful summer ahead of me, and a bright future.
So i'm enrolling in community college for the fall, just in case. i need to make sure if all else fails, that ill be in school come fall.
I'm going on good morning america in may.
American Idol in July,
taking lessons from brett manning all summer?
i'm not giving up on my dream, and im never gonna stop making music.

Being home has done wonders for me so far. Being around my real friends made me realize how i was really faking some friendships at school. trying to change who i am to get along with people. now that i look back i realize i didnt like some of the people i was "friends" with. I mean, i've met some great people at berklee as well that i miss so much and i cant wait to go visit. but i couldnt be happier to cut my ties with immature, dramatic people that just caused me more stress. I mean, i never fight with my friends here because we are mature human beings and can talk things out, and dont treat eachother like shit. i dont ever wanna be in a state where i have to "put up" with my friends and apologize when im not sorry. That being said, i wanna take a trip up to boston to see my good friends ive met once before summer :)

I work 40 hours a week. stressful, but hey, moneys money ;)
i get to see my family that missed me so much. I have my house, my pups, my job, my friends. i feel myself again. finally. i missed this feeling. life is so good right now. so so good. i can only thank god for bringing me home. school was actually putting me through experiences where i was doubting myself being a good person, and being around certain people was just unhealthy for me. you know, you'd think when you leave high school nd go into college, youd meet mature people. but honestly, ive never met more dramatic people. there were a few keepers though :)

I just want warm weather :) nevertheless, i love my life, and i trust myself to make the right decisions on my way.

I feel good about myself today. A positive day indeed. One thing, i'm finished working in the mchell hole until May. I'm dreading going back to school because im so lazy. I'm jealous of all the kids who get to live at home and go to community college and work and be with their friends. I almost wish i was doing that but then i stop and i realize, that's not my thing. I wouldn't be happy there. I have a gift and i am lucky enough to be in one of the best music colleges in the country, so why would i trade that for anything?  I mean, of course its so hard, but its so rewarding. I cant pass that up. I just wanna get better at everything.

I love being home. I love my room, and my pond and my barn, and my dogs and making my own breakfast. I love having my OWN room to myself, and working with all my friends and knowing where everything is and driving. I've been here for one week though and i hear all the drama.

I also have realized a lot of my friends don't care as much as i thought. that's okay though, cause i have friends that do.

half a semester left. ready, go.

It's a new morning.
we're going to see my brother's new apartment today. i want things to just feel normal, even if just for today. I put makeup on and tried to make myself feel pretty. Lately i've been lazy and i dont do my hair or my makeup. It doesn't mean i'm comfortable that way though. I want to read more books and meet more people. I want to be able to be myself around everyone, all the time. I feel sometimes like i have a different personality for every human being. So who is the real me? I feel like trying to impress everyone has just made me lose who i really am. But then when i find that person again i realize how much i really enjoy being myself, and i think i cant be myself around everyone because im afraid theyll see who i am and not like me, so i coat my personality. Gah, ive done that for so long now and then iw onder why people cant figure me out or get to know me. I just wanna strap myself to a piano bench and play and write all day. I just wanna sing my little heart out.
I've made so many health changes this year-on a positive note :)
I'm sorta afraid to post this because so many people dont know this, but i was smoking ciggarettes for a while. All summer, first semester, and a portion of second semester. Then one day i was playing piano and i went to hit a note of one of my own songs, and it came out raspy, and tense. I cried. I cried so hard because i realized i was giving up my dream, and the one thing i am positive that i totally rock at, for a stupid addiction. I threw my cigarettes in the trash, and its been a few weeks, and i have never felt so confident in my voice again. I went to hit that note yesterday....nailed it. nbd.
I eat pretty healthy these days and i go to the gym 5-6 days a week. I've lost 14 lbs, and i feel healthier, which is whats most important. Ive learned to control my food cravings/boredom. I feel so much better.
And not only Ciggs-but i quit smoking ANYTHING. smoking is just too risky for me. Any shape or form. I've detoxed my body and im ready to live my life without drugs. maybe some alcohol can fit in my life though. I'm talking to you mr. daniels ;)

I just wanted to write a positive entry. Yesterday i was so pessimistic and just wrote about all the things wrong, but a good friend of mine-and a wise person told me that you need to sometimes just look at the things you like about yourself. There are some things, and im gonna list them. Its not that im cocky but its shows myself i have some confidence in things. Trust me, the negative list wouldnt fit in one entry.

I can sing-I like singing- I am good at singing-people like my singing. Something i can be confident in-that i love. why would i ever EVER trade that for anything.

My family truly loves me and cares about be and i love them. Not everyone in the world has that you know?

I can be good at school when i try hard, and ive prived that to myself and everyone else with my deans list placement. holla.

I have good friends, that would do anything for me. I appreciate them so much. Theyve been tehre for me through all my struggles and i know i can rely on them and cry to them. Not everyone has that either.

My hair has grown pretty long-and it looks pretty good ;)

I'm pretty funny. I have a good sense f humor and i can make people laugh. i love that. i love making people laugh and smile and having a good time.

thats all i can really think of right now. hopefully, as i grow into my own skin, this list will grow longer, and so will my hair ;)
laterz.

Why am i a bad person?
Why do i hate to look at myself?
Why do i even bother trying?
Maybe i should just stop asking so many questions and start making some actual statements. i'm so tired of being unsure, and confused and lost. I have watched myself grow up so much in the past year, and while i feel like everyones changed while ive been away, it has been me who's changed. Of course i love familiarity, but i have changed because i forced myself too. I could've gone home week one when i realized i hated my roomate, and i felt intimidated by the talent at Berklee, and i realized i missed my friends and family and my dogs, and still had feelings for boys back home. I couldve gone back to that safe place ive been my whole life, or i could do what i did, which is stop being so afraid, and take the challenge on head on. I'll admit, without a doubt that going away to school is the hardest challenge i have ever encountered. I have never been so scared, and nervous, and embarraseed and uneasy in my entire life. i felt so vulnerable and lost. i went a few months with no friends around me at all, and spent my time moping around in sadness, crying on skype with my mom. But look who i am now? I love the city, i love the people ive met. i love what i do, and i love the way ive built this life for myself. most of all, i have proven to myself that i am stronger tha i give myself credit for. sure, im so lazy sometimes and unmotivated but when i AM motivated, i am strong willed and i fight until i have no fight left in me. I have battled so much, and mostly myself this past year. I still have a lot to figure out about who i am and who i should be close to. I still dont know if i can let people in without being hurt. Im independent but sometimes i need people. dont we all? I guess not, because a lot of people get by on their own, but im not one of those people. getting by and enjoying life are different i guess. i always thought i saw the good in people, because i drew myself so close to so many of the wrong people. Even people ive known almost my whole life, are just a shadow on my life now.
I cant express how much it hurt coming home today and seeing how everyone just went on with their lives like as if they had seen me in the past two months. When trying to make plans with my "best friends" they had other things that were more important.
& why can someone never love me? Do i not let them love me? Do i close myself off?
im asking questions again.
I DO close myself off. I lead people on and id ont mean to let them down but i do because the few people who do show an interest im scared of it. and i think that theylll spend time with me and change their mind. i feel like its impossible to like me. i like a lot of people-but i dont like me. i hate me sometimes. i find myself lying-but justifying it to myself somehow. and being selfish, but it doesnt seem selfish for some reason until i look back on it. i get caught in gossip and drama yet i seem to be on everyones good side. i fool everyone, even myself. does that sound like a good person?
the main thing is that ive finally become aware of these things and lost my ignorance. now i just have to fight with that same fight i did all year, and make a change in myself, so i can love myself, and let others do the same.