Saturday, March 19, 2011

I feel good about myself today. A positive day indeed. One thing, i'm finished working in the mchell hole until May. I'm dreading going back to school because im so lazy. I'm jealous of all the kids who get to live at home and go to community college and work and be with their friends. I almost wish i was doing that but then i stop and i realize, that's not my thing. I wouldn't be happy there. I have a gift and i am lucky enough to be in one of the best music colleges in the country, so why would i trade that for anything?  I mean, of course its so hard, but its so rewarding. I cant pass that up. I just wanna get better at everything.

I love being home. I love my room, and my pond and my barn, and my dogs and making my own breakfast. I love having my OWN room to myself, and working with all my friends and knowing where everything is and driving. I've been here for one week though and i hear all the drama.

I also have realized a lot of my friends don't care as much as i thought. that's okay though, cause i have friends that do.

half a semester left. ready, go.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

It's a new morning.
we're going to see my brother's new apartment today. i want things to just feel normal, even if just for today. I put makeup on and tried to make myself feel pretty. Lately i've been lazy and i dont do my hair or my makeup. It doesn't mean i'm comfortable that way though. I want to read more books and meet more people. I want to be able to be myself around everyone, all the time. I feel sometimes like i have a different personality for every human being. So who is the real me? I feel like trying to impress everyone has just made me lose who i really am. But then when i find that person again i realize how much i really enjoy being myself, and i think i cant be myself around everyone because im afraid theyll see who i am and not like me, so i coat my personality. Gah, ive done that for so long now and then iw onder why people cant figure me out or get to know me. I just wanna strap myself to a piano bench and play and write all day. I just wanna sing my little heart out.
I've made so many health changes this year-on a positive note :)
I'm sorta afraid to post this because so many people dont know this, but i was smoking ciggarettes for a while. All summer, first semester, and a portion of second semester. Then one day i was playing piano and i went to hit a note of one of my own songs, and it came out raspy, and tense. I cried. I cried so hard because i realized i was giving up my dream, and the one thing i am positive that i totally rock at, for a stupid addiction. I threw my cigarettes in the trash, and its been a few weeks, and i have never felt so confident in my voice again. I went to hit that note yesterday....nailed it. nbd.
I eat pretty healthy these days and i go to the gym 5-6 days a week. I've lost 14 lbs, and i feel healthier, which is whats most important. Ive learned to control my food cravings/boredom. I feel so much better.
And not only Ciggs-but i quit smoking ANYTHING. smoking is just too risky for me. Any shape or form. I've detoxed my body and im ready to live my life without drugs. maybe some alcohol can fit in my life though. I'm talking to you mr. daniels ;)

I just wanted to write a positive entry. Yesterday i was so pessimistic and just wrote about all the things wrong, but a good friend of mine-and a wise person told me that you need to sometimes just look at the things you like about yourself. There are some things, and im gonna list them. Its not that im cocky but its shows myself i have some confidence in things. Trust me, the negative list wouldnt fit in one entry.

I can sing-I like singing- I am good at singing-people like my singing. Something i can be confident in-that i love. why would i ever EVER trade that for anything.

My family truly loves me and cares about be and i love them. Not everyone in the world has that you know?

I can be good at school when i try hard, and ive prived that to myself and everyone else with my deans list placement. holla.

I have good friends, that would do anything for me. I appreciate them so much. Theyve been tehre for me through all my struggles and i know i can rely on them and cry to them. Not everyone has that either.

My hair has grown pretty long-and it looks pretty good ;)

I'm pretty funny. I have a good sense f humor and i can make people laugh. i love that. i love making people laugh and smile and having a good time.

thats all i can really think of right now. hopefully, as i grow into my own skin, this list will grow longer, and so will my hair ;)

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Why am i a bad person?
Why do i hate to look at myself?
Why do i even bother trying?
Maybe i should just stop asking so many questions and start making some actual statements. i'm so tired of being unsure, and confused and lost. I have watched myself grow up so much in the past year, and while i feel like everyones changed while ive been away, it has been me who's changed. Of course i love familiarity, but i have changed because i forced myself too. I could've gone home week one when i realized i hated my roomate, and i felt intimidated by the talent at Berklee, and i realized i missed my friends and family and my dogs, and still had feelings for boys back home. I couldve gone back to that safe place ive been my whole life, or i could do what i did, which is stop being so afraid, and take the challenge on head on. I'll admit, without a doubt that going away to school is the hardest challenge i have ever encountered. I have never been so scared, and nervous, and embarraseed and uneasy in my entire life. i felt so vulnerable and lost. i went a few months with no friends around me at all, and spent my time moping around in sadness, crying on skype with my mom. But look who i am now? I love the city, i love the people ive met. i love what i do, and i love the way ive built this life for myself. most of all, i have proven to myself that i am stronger tha i give myself credit for. sure, im so lazy sometimes and unmotivated but when i AM motivated, i am strong willed and i fight until i have no fight left in me. I have battled so much, and mostly myself this past year. I still have a lot to figure out about who i am and who i should be close to. I still dont know if i can let people in without being hurt. Im independent but sometimes i need people. dont we all? I guess not, because a lot of people get by on their own, but im not one of those people. getting by and enjoying life are different i guess. i always thought i saw the good in people, because i drew myself so close to so many of the wrong people. Even people ive known almost my whole life, are just a shadow on my life now.
I cant express how much it hurt coming home today and seeing how everyone just went on with their lives like as if they had seen me in the past two months. When trying to make plans with my "best friends" they had other things that were more important.
& why can someone never love me? Do i not let them love me? Do i close myself off?
im asking questions again.
I DO close myself off. I lead people on and id ont mean to let them down but i do because the few people who do show an interest im scared of it. and i think that theylll spend time with me and change their mind. i feel like its impossible to like me. i like a lot of people-but i dont like me. i hate me sometimes. i find myself lying-but justifying it to myself somehow. and being selfish, but it doesnt seem selfish for some reason until i look back on it. i get caught in gossip and drama yet i seem to be on everyones good side. i fool everyone, even myself. does that sound like a good person?
the main thing is that ive finally become aware of these things and lost my ignorance. now i just have to fight with that same fight i did all year, and make a change in myself, so i can love myself, and let others do the same.