Sunday, March 13, 2011

It's a new morning.
we're going to see my brother's new apartment today. i want things to just feel normal, even if just for today. I put makeup on and tried to make myself feel pretty. Lately i've been lazy and i dont do my hair or my makeup. It doesn't mean i'm comfortable that way though. I want to read more books and meet more people. I want to be able to be myself around everyone, all the time. I feel sometimes like i have a different personality for every human being. So who is the real me? I feel like trying to impress everyone has just made me lose who i really am. But then when i find that person again i realize how much i really enjoy being myself, and i think i cant be myself around everyone because im afraid theyll see who i am and not like me, so i coat my personality. Gah, ive done that for so long now and then iw onder why people cant figure me out or get to know me. I just wanna strap myself to a piano bench and play and write all day. I just wanna sing my little heart out.
I've made so many health changes this year-on a positive note :)
I'm sorta afraid to post this because so many people dont know this, but i was smoking ciggarettes for a while. All summer, first semester, and a portion of second semester. Then one day i was playing piano and i went to hit a note of one of my own songs, and it came out raspy, and tense. I cried. I cried so hard because i realized i was giving up my dream, and the one thing i am positive that i totally rock at, for a stupid addiction. I threw my cigarettes in the trash, and its been a few weeks, and i have never felt so confident in my voice again. I went to hit that note yesterday....nailed it. nbd.
I eat pretty healthy these days and i go to the gym 5-6 days a week. I've lost 14 lbs, and i feel healthier, which is whats most important. Ive learned to control my food cravings/boredom. I feel so much better.
And not only Ciggs-but i quit smoking ANYTHING. smoking is just too risky for me. Any shape or form. I've detoxed my body and im ready to live my life without drugs. maybe some alcohol can fit in my life though. I'm talking to you mr. daniels ;)

I just wanted to write a positive entry. Yesterday i was so pessimistic and just wrote about all the things wrong, but a good friend of mine-and a wise person told me that you need to sometimes just look at the things you like about yourself. There are some things, and im gonna list them. Its not that im cocky but its shows myself i have some confidence in things. Trust me, the negative list wouldnt fit in one entry.

I can sing-I like singing- I am good at singing-people like my singing. Something i can be confident in-that i love. why would i ever EVER trade that for anything.

My family truly loves me and cares about be and i love them. Not everyone in the world has that you know?

I can be good at school when i try hard, and ive prived that to myself and everyone else with my deans list placement. holla.

I have good friends, that would do anything for me. I appreciate them so much. Theyve been tehre for me through all my struggles and i know i can rely on them and cry to them. Not everyone has that either.

My hair has grown pretty long-and it looks pretty good ;)

I'm pretty funny. I have a good sense f humor and i can make people laugh. i love that. i love making people laugh and smile and having a good time.

thats all i can really think of right now. hopefully, as i grow into my own skin, this list will grow longer, and so will my hair ;)
laterz.

1 comment:

  1. You have one of the best sense of humor I've known in here :)
    Doing a list of all of the positives things in your life is a real good idea. You're full of good resolutions and good intentions and it'll pay one day. Keep going this way :)
    And say hello to your friend jack daniel for me haha
    <3

    Perrine

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