Why am i a bad person?
Why do i hate to look at myself?
Why do i even bother trying?
Maybe i should just stop asking so many questions and start making some actual statements. i'm so tired of being unsure, and confused and lost. I have watched myself grow up so much in the past year, and while i feel like everyones changed while ive been away, it has been me who's changed. Of course i love familiarity, but i have changed because i forced myself too. I could've gone home week one when i realized i hated my roomate, and i felt intimidated by the talent at Berklee, and i realized i missed my friends and family and my dogs, and still had feelings for boys back home. I couldve gone back to that safe place ive been my whole life, or i could do what i did, which is stop being so afraid, and take the challenge on head on. I'll admit, without a doubt that going away to school is the hardest challenge i have ever encountered. I have never been so scared, and nervous, and embarraseed and uneasy in my entire life. i felt so vulnerable and lost. i went a few months with no friends around me at all, and spent my time moping around in sadness, crying on skype with my mom. But look who i am now? I love the city, i love the people ive met. i love what i do, and i love the way ive built this life for myself. most of all, i have proven to myself that i am stronger tha i give myself credit for. sure, im so lazy sometimes and unmotivated but when i AM motivated, i am strong willed and i fight until i have no fight left in me. I have battled so much, and mostly myself this past year. I still have a lot to figure out about who i am and who i should be close to. I still dont know if i can let people in without being hurt. Im independent but sometimes i need people. dont we all? I guess not, because a lot of people get by on their own, but im not one of those people. getting by and enjoying life are different i guess. i always thought i saw the good in people, because i drew myself so close to so many of the wrong people. Even people ive known almost my whole life, are just a shadow on my life now.
I cant express how much it hurt coming home today and seeing how everyone just went on with their lives like as if they had seen me in the past two months. When trying to make plans with my "best friends" they had other things that were more important.
& why can someone never love me? Do i not let them love me? Do i close myself off?
im asking questions again.
I DO close myself off. I lead people on and id ont mean to let them down but i do because the few people who do show an interest im scared of it. and i think that theylll spend time with me and change their mind. i feel like its impossible to like me. i like a lot of people-but i dont like me. i hate me sometimes. i find myself lying-but justifying it to myself somehow. and being selfish, but it doesnt seem selfish for some reason until i look back on it. i get caught in gossip and drama yet i seem to be on everyones good side. i fool everyone, even myself. does that sound like a good person?
the main thing is that ive finally become aware of these things and lost my ignorance. now i just have to fight with that same fight i did all year, and make a change in myself, so i can love myself, and let others do the same.