Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I was very appreciative today. Well, i am everyday, but i've been trying to be more appreciative rather than ungrateful. As a human being, i am always wanting more than what i have, and i tend to overlook all the wonderful things i have been blessed with in the first place. I know it's not just me. We all get a little selfish (i'm beginning to see, some more than others) but i know i'm headed in the right direction in my life. I work so hard for all the things i have, and i appreciate them so much more. When i was at school i would often get so jealous of some of the people around me, and how their parents can easily fork over 800 dollars a month for them for an apartment, or pay 52 grand out of pocket for tuition, or just sign a little check. It would make me so frustrated when people would lend me like, one dollar for the vending machine, and be like "you owe me" or "I'm so poor". NO YOU ARENT? But it's okay. I'm not looking at it through the envious lens that i had before. When i was in Boston my mom would send me anywhere from 100-150 every couple weeks, and that was a difficult price as well. Now that i'm home i'm making all my own money, and when i buy a gift for someone, it feels so much better. When i get my five dollar footlong, it tastes so much better. I'm so independent, and i love making my own money and earning my own rewards. I always thought i was the kind of person that depended on others, but people have tended to kick dirt in my face my whole life, and people have let me down, and came and went, and it's just made me so strong.  I am perfectly happy doing things by myself. I'll eat by myself, or take a walk by myself. Some people need people to go with them everywhere. Sure, i get lonely, and bored. I love spending time with others, but i am fully capable of getting though things on my own. I think that's where i stand apart from other people i've met. I know people that have been through all sorts of different things. The only difference between them and me is that they think that no one could ever understand and that everyone's lives are nowhere near as bad as theirs were or are, and that no one could ever comprehend what a tortured soul they are. Then they use it as an excuse for everything and cry for attention. Everyone goes through terrible things, we just don't all speak about them all the time like that. I don't tell the whole world all the pain ive been through my entire life, and use it as a hook, line and sinker for attention. It's all different flavors of immature. And you can't be a huge, selfish, psychotic bitch and expect everyone to take it easy and accept it because you've "been through shit". We've all been through phases and different things in our lives. It is life. Don't complain about how no one knows anything about you, when you tell it so vaguely just to get the attention in the first place.

Now that i let all that out...
I need to clean my room this weekend. It's such an atrocious mess because it's been neglected so bad while i've been away. I wish rooms would clean themselves when i'm not here! But, they don't. So, i'm going to unclutter my room this weekend, and maybe it'll unclutter my cluttered mind. There's so much going on in there right now. I'm booking gigs, thinking about work, the bahamas, unfinished business at school, and people that still just make me so angry, even though i don't talk to them anymore. It's hard for me to let some relationships go, because i have so much to say to them, but i know it's best not to, cause it's just fueling the psychotic fire that will obviously ignite if i put out any sort of honest criticism. tried that.
I know it's time to move on from those silly things. The people in my life that are important, will remain so, and remain constant. It's so funny, when i was at school, someone literally said to me "you will lose touch with your friends back home". i said "Im sure i will with some, but i know i have a few good friends that  will remain there" and they said "yeah you wanna think that but its not true trust me". I cant believe i let that bother me. I wish i could rewind time and say hey, fuck you. Just because you cant hold onto your friends doesn't mean mine are flakey. this is why i HATE know it alls, especially when they know nothing. its so frustrating. Guess what? i still have those people in my life. go figure.
stop telling me how my life willl play out, who will be in it, and who i am.

Only i know these things, and in some cases...only god.


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